Relationships Part I.

It has been quite some time since I wrote a new post.  To be honest, the last post had been sitting idly by in some folder for almost a week.  It even took me several days to get around to writing this post.  Lately, I find myself looking for things to distract me, to keep my mind away from thinking about scripture and thus, God.  Surprisingly, yet not so surprisingly, I found it unnervingly easy to avoid writing and thus reflect on what I learned.  But finally, here I am writing about our discussion during small group last Friday. 

So what is the purpose of dating?

Some argue the purpose of dating, is to ultimately lead to finding the one person you will spend the rest of your life with.  Others liken it to ‘shopping around’ and justify dating numerous people as ‘practice’.  While still some date based solely on superficial appearances, regardless of a viable future.  But is dating a cultural phenomenon or is it universal? 

There is no way of knowing since people learn how to date through different methods.  Most will tell you that they learned how to date through television shows or movies.  Koreans in particular will idealize dating and marriage through Korean dramas.  As there is no course on ‘How to date 101’, it is safe to assume we learn it through observation.  We see popular culture, our friends, and our parents and glean from them, what it is to date.  Or, at the very least, what is expected of dating by our society’s standards. 

Thus, I can only speak of my opinion on the matter.

In my opinion, the purpose of dating is to find that one person who can understand and accept us.  One person who accepts us for who we are, past the bs.  We oftentimes put up a front.  The world can only know this exterior façade, and only the privileged few are privy to our inner-most thoughts.  But through dating, one gets past our wall and is able to truly connect on a level, deeper than the surface persona we exude to the world.  Some call this trust, others deem it as vulnerability, but in fact they both go hand in hand.  It is like the question of what came first, the chicken or the egg?  You do not want to be vulnerable without trust, but cannot inspire trust if not willing to be in a position of vulnerability.  Maybe that is why people fear of commitment.  They are those unwilling to become vulnerable, by opening up to another person, showing who they are underneath the surface.  One of my greatest fears is that once my true personality is exposed, it will not only change people’s perceptions but also lead to the realization, they no longer want to associate with me.  This fear may be irrational, it may be unwarranted, but it does not stop me from trying desperately to hide the fact that I am flawed. 

Appearances can be quite deceiving. 

So what is the purpose of short-term dating?  It is easy to say the purpose is for instant gratification.  Because to be honest, in most cases it is.  And since we do not know a person past outward appearances, the majority of our attraction is based solely on physical appearance and initial impression.  Thus, the short-term is governed by superficial similarities in interest and mutual acceptance of the other’s physical attractiveness.  We all know the expected answers.  Since there is no future, the goal should never be to date short-term.  Because eventually, all dating should lead to marriage.   As Christians, we are programmed to look at all relationships with marriage as the fulfillment of the purpose of dating. 

As I speak on the principles of dating, I find myself a hypocrite.  Even though I know that short-term dating is seen as a waste of time, I find it impossible to know whether there is a future without dating.  How does one know if that guy or that girl will be your future spouse without dating?  Christians frown upon dating around, but frankly speaking without it, it is inconceivable to find that one significant other who is meant for us. 

I believe that God indeed has a person who He has selected as befitting.  We do not know when or where this person may appear; since as mere mortals we cannot even begin to comprehend the plan dictated for us.  We will more than likely be, unprepared, unwilling or emotionally unavailable, but God uses our situation to bring that special person to us.  Thus, I find myself seeking God first.  It is beyond our scope and power.  As such, I trust in God and pray that He will bring the right person.  This does not mean that we should be complacent and shouldn’t seek ourselves, since praying for a girlfriend or boyfriend won’t crank up the love in some stranger.  As in any opportunity given to us by God, we must equally work for it.  So whatever relationship I forge, I believe that they should always be centered on God.  

But more on that later in upcoming entries.  

Friendships Part II Kinda.

“Oh I friend-ed you on facebook!” 

It is completely acceptable and rapidly becoming the social norm to use such terminology.  This simple yet powerful definition, is quite provocative.  Through social media sites such as Myspace (for those who remember its heyday) and now the most popular behemoth, Facebook, we have lost the original meaning of what it means to truly, honest to God, be friends.  A simple click of the “Add as Friend” and suddenly the floodgates of information are opened.  Your interests in books, movies, food, just to name a few, are made available to your new “friend”’s fingertips.  Even your photos, the window into your life, are now exposed to the world. 

Even through it all, the people around you cannot be relied on as your friends.  They may have the highest likelihood of knowing your tastes and habits, giving you a false sense of security; but it can be surprisingly deceptive.  Yet, these people you surround yourself with, define who you are.  But those same people now, may not be those people who are with you later on; especially when times are tough.

In highschool, I was a part of a tight-knit group of four.  We had met through various circumstances, but all shared a love for great coffee, stimulating conversation, and card games.  I thought our friendship would remain as close friends always.  We even joked about who would get married first and who would the best man or maid of honor, respectively. 

During our senior year, we became accustom to spending our evenings at a local coffee joint, Kaldi’s.   It was located on 700 Demun Ave, immediately across from a local park and Concordia Seminary.  Trees lined the street, with symmetrical lamp posts dotting the sidewalks.  This very street was full of joys and sorrows.  There was a local playground where I would frequent in the evenings with the girl I dated during my senior year; a bit further down the street, a Laundromat where a solitary PacMan machine claimed many hours of my youth and quarters. 

There we would sit in the back room, each with a mug of bottomless coffee, doing our homework while occasionally taking breaks to play a game of Hearts or Big 2.  We were there after prom, we were there to study for APs, and again we were there over summer vacation after graduation.  It became our place, a place that we would come to call our own.  The people who worked there recognized us as regulars and eventually, they just had our coffee mugs ready and waiting as we walked in.  These friends of mine were there for every up and down of highschool.  After graduation, the summer before we matriculated into college, the four of us even travelled to Chicago with the blessings of our parents.  We had been through so much that I thought these friends of mine would last me a lifetime. 

However, this sadly was not the case.  Growing up, my father was a workaholic, and still to this day, works late into the night.  As a child, whenever I visited my father or spent time with him, I was left in the research lab.  There, I had my first exposure to pipetmen and laboratory equipment.  I recall pipetting water up and down into test tubes and centrifuging different chemicals.  Even to this day, conversations with my father revolve around research, whether it is his or mine. 

Thus, I came to rely on those I considered friends, as my second family.  Fast-forward to my freshman year of college.  We had promised to write an email once every four weeks.  This meant that besides our turn, there would be an update every week.  We agreed, believing it to be simple enough.  We made it through a grand total of three emails each.  None were written on time, arriving days or even weeks later.  And now, each have come to find a new group of friends; finding time once in three to four months, excluding major holidays, to call each other up.  Even the ones you think will last forever, don’t.

In my opinion and from personal experience, friends come and go.  Some people are just meant to make an appearance in your life, and the special few who remain by your side through it all, are your true friends.  I truly value those friends who make an effort to remain in contact.  Of course, I say this yet at times find myself being the one making a simple appearance.   

So who really are our friends?  Who will remain with us five, ten years from now? 

I do not regret becoming friends with them.  Even though we may not be as close as we once were, when we do talk, it is quite nostalgic.  Nostalgia strikes of simpler times when things were straightforward and uncomplicated.  The is the inevitable result of growing up and maturing, to find our own paths and a new group of friends.

I learned a lot from my interactions with them.  At present, wherever I’ve ended up, I have managed to find a great group of friends.  It is just unfortunate that whenever I seem to get close, I leave.

Valentine's Day Special.

In the spirit of the commercial holiday, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day, I am dedicating this post.

February 14, is not alone.  Numerous other days signify love and thoughtfulness.  As if intended to be a cosmic joke, it simultaneously serves to be the bane of the single person’s existence.  Our society has however wrongfully, exacerbated the gravity to which this singular day, can ruin a person’s mood.  Literally, there is no place to run and hide.  Every decent restaurant is booked solid, weeks in advance, filled with couples who come out of the wood work to taunt the single populace.  Even at home, we are bombarded by love songs on the radio, romantic movies and commercial advertisements flaunt Valentine’s Day, ruining even the mind-suck known as television.  Yes, love is in the air.

What is love?  What exactly defines how mere attraction and hormones compare to true love? 

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines love as: (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests.

Words are insufficient to describe the emotion felt by happy couples worldwide.  The deep attachment and desire to please their significant other can lead one to do the irrational.  One person I dated while in California, attended UC – Davis.  We had met through a mutual friend who happened to live in San Jose.  The very first time we met, it was not like in Korean dramas.  But it was darn near close.

At the time, I had just moved to California.  In the excitement of moving to California to make a fresh start, if only temporary, I abandoned the feelings of loneliness and isolation behind me.  It wasn’t until that feeling began to subside; I realized just how difficult it was to meet new people.  Even though I had been in California the previous summer for a summer internship, the area was still unfamiliar.   I did not attend church.  At my workplace, people were either graduate students, married post-doctorates, or those married and with kids.   I found myself with no friends and no place to make friends, at least those who could spend time outside of work.  I couldn’t even go to the bars since I was 20 years old.  There were no classes to go to, no club activities to meet people of similar interests, and it was near impossible to meet the same person twice.  Thus, I was left to wallow in self-pity and depression, working during the day and with nothing to look forward to in the evening.  Truly, it was a dark and depressing time.

Then, through some miraculous coincidence, I discovered that my friend who I had met freshmen year during Chemistry 116, live in San Jose.  Not only did she live here, but she was in town.  And she was meeting up with her close friends from high school and would I like to join her?  I had nothing to do and so I graciously accepted her offer. 

We agreed to meet at the largest mall in the Bay area, the Great Mall.  At the designated meeting point, I spotted my friend through the throngs of shoppers who swarmed the floor.  After a brief embrace, we found a table and took to our seats.  Now I want to preface by saying, I never vocalized this and I swear it happened the way I explain it now.  While I was chatting with the other two friends who had already joined us, the last to arrive, the girl I would date, materialized out of the crowd.  Mid-sentence, my eyes fell upon her and I knew.  Obviously, this isn’t some story out of the movies since there was no happy ending.  But at that moment in time, I knew I wanted to get to know her better.  After an enjoyable day, we went our separate ways. 

Later on, we found each other through Facebook.  Eventually, we got to talking through instant messenger.  I found her to be fascinating.  She had an iPhone, it was the first time I encountered the device that would come to become a part of me.  She took painting classes, she loved to bowl, and she played the piano.  We both found it perfectly acceptable to share a mutual enjoyment of simply spending an entire day running around IKEA.  The list went on and on.  Eventually, we agreed that the next time she was in town, we would meet up.  So the very next week, we had dinner at a delightful soon tofu restaurant on El Camino Real, Santa Clara.  Although the intent was simply to get to know her better, I couldn’t help but feel the butterflies inherent with meeting the person you liked and the anxiety of trying to show your best impression.  That week was a whirlwind from thereon out.  We met the next four days consecutively and decided to see each other every weekend after. 

During the week, we continued talking through instant messenger and texts.  When Friday came along, I would eagerly anticipate her arrival or would be the one who anxiously prepared to drive up to Davis after work.  The first weekend, we had agreed that I would take the 97.8 mile drive up.  This gave me plenty of time to reflect, while driving through the scenic hills and valleys of the North Bay.  As I weaved through traffic, the sun started to fade and I found my thoughts wandering towards my previous relationship.  But once I arrived, we spent an exciting weekend together, away from our classes and work, everything else melted away.  We ate out at different restaurants, toured the campus, (Davis-has their own farm where they milk cows) and went to the farmer’s market where still to this day I have yet to find a better hand-squeezed apple juice.  In that moment, I thought we would have a future together and I had finally found someone who could fill the void in my heart. 

As our relationship continued, I believe I fell into my old habits.  I cared how her day went.  I drove up to see her.  A drive of 97.8 miles may not seem like much, but round-trip, it was three hours and 2/3 of a tank of gas.  It was not unusually rare for me to drive up after work and drive down in the wee hours of dawn during the work week.  I am still embarrassed by the extent I went to spend even an hour together more with her.

Unfortunately, as we grew closer, our emotional issues surfaced for both of us. 

She had unresolved issues with her previous boyfriend and I, was still not completely over my own ex.  He had ended things with her and inevitably, it had a profound effect on her.  She could not forget him since there had been no closure.  As we grew closer, and as her feelings for me grew deeper, feelings of guilt caused her to become detached.  After weeks of this hot and cold, I finally confronted her.  She told me about the ex situation and how they still remained in contact.  How they had met during a lab course at Davis and how he abruptly broke things off by saying “I don’t think things are going to work out”.  This she told me, made her feel guilt for beginning to like me more than him.  I still to this day, do not understand the female psyche.  Regardless, I continued to fight for our relationship as I found myself feeling a stronger bond and deeper connection with her.  In the end, after several months of dating, things ended.  The ex came back into the equation and had proposed rekindling their relationship.  In the ultimate betrayal, she went back to him.  Couple of weeks later, I found out from her that they had broken up for good.

So in conclusion, what is love?  I thought my ex-girlfriend of nearly two years was true love.  Of course, only after we broke up I realized this fact.  In the moment, I thought this girl, one of the few I dated, was love.  It certainly hurt.  The feelings of loss were just as hurtful and depressing as love.  I was devastated and felt betrayed when after several months of dating, one weekend; we suddenly stopped our weekend rendezvous.  I believe that it was a lesson hard learned.  Commitment is volatile as a high-risk stock.  There are ups and downs.  There may be a crash.  It can be richly rewarding or cause devastating loss.  In the end, there is only you to pick up the pieces.  I had spent countless hours obsessing over the time we would spend together, the time and money spent driving to and from Davis. 


In the end, it turned out the best way that it could.  She went to find a new boyfriend, and I continued dating while in California, never to be in a relationship.  I continue to hope that she finds true love and happiness.

I do not doubt that even now, after being single for over two years, and attempting to exercise caution to avoid such expressions of endearment, that I will once again fall into old habits.  It is hard for me to avoid showing affection.  I cannot stop sacrificing myself and my comfort in order to further love in a relationship. 

So is that love? Is love the willing heart to sacrifice in order to further your significant other’s happiness?  I believe love to be boundless.  Love is without cause, a feeling that envelopes your thoughts, not to be deterred by reason.  It is the root cause of happiness and yet simultaneously the root cause of depression.  But a greater question remains.  Is love worth it?  Are the joys love brings worth the risk of being hurt?  That.  I leave to you, unanswered.


http://healthland.time.com/2011/02/13/mind-reading-how-the-new-science-of-adult-attachment-can-improve-your-love-life/

Friend and Relation...ship. Part I.

Today’s bible study consists of an interesting set of verses.  John 15:1-5

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.  You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.  Remain in me, as I also remain in you.  No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.  Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.  “I am the vine; you are the branches.  If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.”

As our small group discussed the implications based on this passage, we started off discussing what the differences between a friend and an acquaintance were.  To be expected, and as per usual, the question was left hanging in awkward silence for a couple moments.  Finally, to be broken by an interjection, “the differences between a friend and an acquaintance are that you love, accept, have healthy boundaries, and promote mutual growth”.  Friends are people you turn to in times of need, for comfort and support.  They are the ones you share your joys with, share your sorrows.  Friends are those select few who are deemed worthy of your trust. 

To the previously stated, I agree.  However, there is a fine line between friends and non-friends.  In this day and age, where the definition of “friend” is becoming ever so convoluted, true friends are hard to come by and must be valued.  Oftentimes, we turn to the wrong person for advice and are rewarded with the realization that it is neither good advice nor what a Godly person should do.  In the worst case scenario, that person whom we turned to for comfort, turns out to be an acquaintance and lets us down.  In the end, we are left with a broken spirit and find ourselves further from God’s grace.

We touched on verse 2, “He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit…”.  I took it as meaning we should keep our friends a selective group.  A group reserved for those who truly care, a group who can provide guidance and support both your day-to-day and spiritual life.  The meaning of “fruit” appears to be synonymous with spiritual strength.  Thus, those who do not contribute to your spiritual growth, we should encourage their relationship with God, while realizing they are not true friends in a God-centered relationship.

The next verse says “You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.”  For some strange reason I was reminded of vineyard keepers who sing to their grapes but that is a different thought process.  This reminded me of one overarching theme in the Bible: Jesus died for our sins and thus has cleansed us of our sins; Jesus being the Word.  We are his children and we are saved; so long as we believe that Jesus died for our sins and is our Lord and Savior.

Finally, the last important point, in my opinion, was the latter portion of the passage.  “Remain in me” this stood out as meaning that we should place God as our priority.  We should keep God in our thoughts when not actively surrounded with spiritual settings such as the church.  Without Jesus, we are nothing.  As the last verse states, “apart from me you can do nothing”. 

To take from this passage, I find myself truly questioning who my friends are and whether they are God-centered relationships.  It is easy to spend time with people, breaking bread, sharing conversation, and playing starcraft, without sharing God.  I myself, become preoccupied and find it unsettling how effortlessly we can forget about our faith.

There is more but it is 4 am.  Part II coming up soon.

Without A Home.

My name is J M Kim.  That is my full Korean name.  I do not have a anglicized name.  I am a permanent resident of the United States and a citizen of the Republic of Korea.  And I am a Christian.

I was born November 4th, 1988 in Anyang, Republic of Korea.  My parents, had me at the age of 27.  To this day, and to my utmost regret, I know very little about my parents' lives before my birth.  All I know is that they met in high school and after college, my father asked for my mother's hand in marriage.


My earliest memory was of our apartment in a small side street of Anyang.  It was on the corner between my grandmother's house and the pre-school.  There used to be a corner mart where my mother would buy me soy milk.  The square green and white box with an almost comical representation of a soy bean on the front can still be found to this day at your local Korean mart.  It was this same store-front that she would also carry me on her back when I became tired from play.  


After school, I would join friends; using our trusty tricycles to chase each other down playing the typical childhood game of cops and robbers.  That is, until the sun started to set on the horizon and slowly but surely, our respective mothers would call us for supper time.  Years later, I would find out that these first childhood friends had still come to my grandmother's house, asking about the whereabouts of JoonMoe, so that we could play hide and seek like we had in the past.  Even to this day, I still wonder what it would have been like if I had stayed in Korea.  Being able to have the typical  childhood friends to call my own; whom I could reminisce my earliest memories of childhood adolescence with.  And maybe twenty-five years from then, introduce to my future wife.  Unfortunately, my early years were not spent with those neighborhood kids, but spent making friends and losing friends.  Many times over.


When I was around 3 years old, father, through a test and merit-based competition, had won one of three scholarships granted by the biomedical firm he was working at.  Through which our family of three found ourselves packing our bags, flying 16 and a half hours to end up in the Big Apple, or New York City - Manhattan.  My father had attended Seoul National University for his undergraduate and masters degree in Biology.  He now attended Mount Sinai Medical Center for a Ph.D at one of the largest cities in the world.

I lived on 44th street.  I can still picture the front of the apartment.  It was a nice mid-sized, red-brick, building with a underground entranceway.  There was a double-paned glass entrance complete with a doorman, who used to greet us every time we passed through the lobby.  We had a two bedroom apartment with a spacious living room and balcony that overlooked the street below.  The walls were the typical egg-shell white with a soft, light-creamy colored carpet interior.  Square end tables furnished our living room that I remember would always, without fail, run into my legs as I rushed past them while playing.  It was promptly followed by me bawling until mother would come to comfort me.  


A typical day would consist of my father leaving for school early, even before I would wake up for pre-school.  Until I reached the end of high school, father would always rise before dawn and be out the door before my alarm went off.  My mother would make the tradition Korean meal, consisting of rice, and numerous side dishes and a soup or stew.  Then off I would go, accompanied by mother, to pre-school.  We would take the MTA bus for several blocks, where I would stare at the variety of ethnicities that composed New York City.  As an obnoxiously curious child, I would ask my mother to excess: who were they, what did they do, how come they were on the bus?  Not that she had any more insight than my three year old brain could surmise.  I imagine I made my mother's patience run thin daily.  Finally, we would reach our stop.  We would walk down the bus exit and she would see me off to the entrance way of school.  My mother would then make her way to work.  However, without fail at 3 pm, she would be there to greet me as I rushed out of the building.  


I attended PS 1XX, PS standing for one of hundreds of public schools in New York City.  What I remember is that it was a two-story building with a playground outside; encased in a metal chain-link fence to keep us safe from the busy street below.  The lessons, I remember were of practicing cursive.  To this day, I still only use cursive for when I sign receipts and checks.  These were followed by break time where we would all rush to our backpacks and pull out our coloring books.  Even as a child, I wanted to have the better, more fun coloring books than the other kids.  I liked to share with them, as long as they knew that at the end of the day, the book was still mine.  I remember the field trips we would take as a class, going to the Natural History Museum.  The teachers would buy souvenirs for some of the kids and I would always wonder why I never received anything.  Later, I would find out that their parents had given the teachers money for them to buy the souvenirs. 


Some days we took a stroll towards Central Park.  This memory is still quite vivid in my mind because there used to be a sherbet cart and a hot dog cart that I would beg my mother to buy me every time we passed it.  Under the brutal heat of summer, I would try to run through the fountain filled with other kids, the sun beating down on us and creating mini-rainbows in the mist, only to be scolded by mother.  Once we reached Central Park, father would meet us and my parents would have an impromptu date as I played with the other children on the swings, being watch warily under the close supervision of our parents.

Like any child, I had a childhood best friend.  For the life of me, I do not recall her name.  She was the daughter of my mother's friend.  And being of the same age, we would often play together.  Her mother would come over to have coffee or tea with my mother and we would be left to our own devices, playing in the next room.  When my parents went to Atlantic City, her parents went with us.  Her, dutifully by my side digging sand castles in the brisk, windy beaches of the Atlantic Ocean.  When my mother took me to the Central Park, she was there with me marveling, yet quite terrified of the sea lions.  In my naivety, I feel I may even have had a childhood crush on her.  Even with the cooties.  So began the series of best friends who I would move away from, or have the misfortune of watching them leave.



Lamentations 3:21-33
"Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."  The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.  It is good for a man to bear the yoke while he is young.  Let him sit alone in silence, for the Lord has laid it on him.  Let him bury his face in the dust - there may yet be hope...For no one is cast off by the Lord forever.  Though he brings grief, he will show compassion, so great is his unfailing love.  For he does not willingly bring affliction or grief to anyone."