Valentine's Day Special.

In the spirit of the commercial holiday, otherwise known as Valentine’s Day, I am dedicating this post.

February 14, is not alone.  Numerous other days signify love and thoughtfulness.  As if intended to be a cosmic joke, it simultaneously serves to be the bane of the single person’s existence.  Our society has however wrongfully, exacerbated the gravity to which this singular day, can ruin a person’s mood.  Literally, there is no place to run and hide.  Every decent restaurant is booked solid, weeks in advance, filled with couples who come out of the wood work to taunt the single populace.  Even at home, we are bombarded by love songs on the radio, romantic movies and commercial advertisements flaunt Valentine’s Day, ruining even the mind-suck known as television.  Yes, love is in the air.

What is love?  What exactly defines how mere attraction and hormones compare to true love? 

Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines love as: (1) : strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties (2) : attraction based on sexual desire : affection and tenderness felt by lovers (3) : affection based on admiration, benevolence, or common interests.

Words are insufficient to describe the emotion felt by happy couples worldwide.  The deep attachment and desire to please their significant other can lead one to do the irrational.  One person I dated while in California, attended UC – Davis.  We had met through a mutual friend who happened to live in San Jose.  The very first time we met, it was not like in Korean dramas.  But it was darn near close.

At the time, I had just moved to California.  In the excitement of moving to California to make a fresh start, if only temporary, I abandoned the feelings of loneliness and isolation behind me.  It wasn’t until that feeling began to subside; I realized just how difficult it was to meet new people.  Even though I had been in California the previous summer for a summer internship, the area was still unfamiliar.   I did not attend church.  At my workplace, people were either graduate students, married post-doctorates, or those married and with kids.   I found myself with no friends and no place to make friends, at least those who could spend time outside of work.  I couldn’t even go to the bars since I was 20 years old.  There were no classes to go to, no club activities to meet people of similar interests, and it was near impossible to meet the same person twice.  Thus, I was left to wallow in self-pity and depression, working during the day and with nothing to look forward to in the evening.  Truly, it was a dark and depressing time.

Then, through some miraculous coincidence, I discovered that my friend who I had met freshmen year during Chemistry 116, live in San Jose.  Not only did she live here, but she was in town.  And she was meeting up with her close friends from high school and would I like to join her?  I had nothing to do and so I graciously accepted her offer. 

We agreed to meet at the largest mall in the Bay area, the Great Mall.  At the designated meeting point, I spotted my friend through the throngs of shoppers who swarmed the floor.  After a brief embrace, we found a table and took to our seats.  Now I want to preface by saying, I never vocalized this and I swear it happened the way I explain it now.  While I was chatting with the other two friends who had already joined us, the last to arrive, the girl I would date, materialized out of the crowd.  Mid-sentence, my eyes fell upon her and I knew.  Obviously, this isn’t some story out of the movies since there was no happy ending.  But at that moment in time, I knew I wanted to get to know her better.  After an enjoyable day, we went our separate ways. 

Later on, we found each other through Facebook.  Eventually, we got to talking through instant messenger.  I found her to be fascinating.  She had an iPhone, it was the first time I encountered the device that would come to become a part of me.  She took painting classes, she loved to bowl, and she played the piano.  We both found it perfectly acceptable to share a mutual enjoyment of simply spending an entire day running around IKEA.  The list went on and on.  Eventually, we agreed that the next time she was in town, we would meet up.  So the very next week, we had dinner at a delightful soon tofu restaurant on El Camino Real, Santa Clara.  Although the intent was simply to get to know her better, I couldn’t help but feel the butterflies inherent with meeting the person you liked and the anxiety of trying to show your best impression.  That week was a whirlwind from thereon out.  We met the next four days consecutively and decided to see each other every weekend after. 

During the week, we continued talking through instant messenger and texts.  When Friday came along, I would eagerly anticipate her arrival or would be the one who anxiously prepared to drive up to Davis after work.  The first weekend, we had agreed that I would take the 97.8 mile drive up.  This gave me plenty of time to reflect, while driving through the scenic hills and valleys of the North Bay.  As I weaved through traffic, the sun started to fade and I found my thoughts wandering towards my previous relationship.  But once I arrived, we spent an exciting weekend together, away from our classes and work, everything else melted away.  We ate out at different restaurants, toured the campus, (Davis-has their own farm where they milk cows) and went to the farmer’s market where still to this day I have yet to find a better hand-squeezed apple juice.  In that moment, I thought we would have a future together and I had finally found someone who could fill the void in my heart. 

As our relationship continued, I believe I fell into my old habits.  I cared how her day went.  I drove up to see her.  A drive of 97.8 miles may not seem like much, but round-trip, it was three hours and 2/3 of a tank of gas.  It was not unusually rare for me to drive up after work and drive down in the wee hours of dawn during the work week.  I am still embarrassed by the extent I went to spend even an hour together more with her.

Unfortunately, as we grew closer, our emotional issues surfaced for both of us. 

She had unresolved issues with her previous boyfriend and I, was still not completely over my own ex.  He had ended things with her and inevitably, it had a profound effect on her.  She could not forget him since there had been no closure.  As we grew closer, and as her feelings for me grew deeper, feelings of guilt caused her to become detached.  After weeks of this hot and cold, I finally confronted her.  She told me about the ex situation and how they still remained in contact.  How they had met during a lab course at Davis and how he abruptly broke things off by saying “I don’t think things are going to work out”.  This she told me, made her feel guilt for beginning to like me more than him.  I still to this day, do not understand the female psyche.  Regardless, I continued to fight for our relationship as I found myself feeling a stronger bond and deeper connection with her.  In the end, after several months of dating, things ended.  The ex came back into the equation and had proposed rekindling their relationship.  In the ultimate betrayal, she went back to him.  Couple of weeks later, I found out from her that they had broken up for good.

So in conclusion, what is love?  I thought my ex-girlfriend of nearly two years was true love.  Of course, only after we broke up I realized this fact.  In the moment, I thought this girl, one of the few I dated, was love.  It certainly hurt.  The feelings of loss were just as hurtful and depressing as love.  I was devastated and felt betrayed when after several months of dating, one weekend; we suddenly stopped our weekend rendezvous.  I believe that it was a lesson hard learned.  Commitment is volatile as a high-risk stock.  There are ups and downs.  There may be a crash.  It can be richly rewarding or cause devastating loss.  In the end, there is only you to pick up the pieces.  I had spent countless hours obsessing over the time we would spend together, the time and money spent driving to and from Davis. 


In the end, it turned out the best way that it could.  She went to find a new boyfriend, and I continued dating while in California, never to be in a relationship.  I continue to hope that she finds true love and happiness.

I do not doubt that even now, after being single for over two years, and attempting to exercise caution to avoid such expressions of endearment, that I will once again fall into old habits.  It is hard for me to avoid showing affection.  I cannot stop sacrificing myself and my comfort in order to further love in a relationship. 

So is that love? Is love the willing heart to sacrifice in order to further your significant other’s happiness?  I believe love to be boundless.  Love is without cause, a feeling that envelopes your thoughts, not to be deterred by reason.  It is the root cause of happiness and yet simultaneously the root cause of depression.  But a greater question remains.  Is love worth it?  Are the joys love brings worth the risk of being hurt?  That.  I leave to you, unanswered.


http://healthland.time.com/2011/02/13/mind-reading-how-the-new-science-of-adult-attachment-can-improve-your-love-life/